Lovisa Brown is Proving that Vulnerability is a Superpower

Lovisa: [: 00:00:00

Nomination: Lovisa is kindness personified, according to a wonderful writer who knows her. She took over Extreme Kids and Crew years ago, and it's always been a great place, [00:00:30] but her special mark is so gentle and thoughtful and respectful and open. I'm just so impressed with her. When things get really hard, as they can be, for a [00:00:45] small non profit that never has enough money, as always.

quietness and of terror that [: 00:01:00

Aransas: Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. Today I'm joined by Lovisa Brown, who you just heard introduced by Eliza Factor. Eliza is the founder of Extreme Kids and Crew. Lovisa is the [00:01:30] new ish executive director of that organization. I asked Lovisa what we might learn from her and she wrote one of the most beautiful things.

ins. Whether it's related to [: 00:01:45

Because to me, that's really the role of, that's our job as uplifters in the end. For sure. It's not to create more divisions. I'm

. I mean, I think, you know, [: 00:02:30

Like, I'm just not good at this stuff, like this whole tech stuff. And I felt safe and brave, [00:02:45] right? Like you created a brave space for me to say. clumsily or not that I was nervous, even to say that I'm nervous, right? And hopefully kind of mirroring that back for you too. Like, you know, this is new for both of us.

How do we get this [: 00:03:00

Aransas: And I think that takes a lot of courage to push [00:03:15] ourselves to continued trust and vulnerability, right?

bubble and it feels safe in [: 00:03:30

See what happens if we give ourselves the bubble of space.

y has done that for you. And [: 00:04:00

Like I'm present and I don't want, I want you to know that actually it was just about a relationship with a couple that's been married for a few years. And my husband, I've been married for 20 years and there was a situation where. [00:04:30] It felt a little disrespectful in terms of our time and I wanted her to hear that, but I also wanted her to hear that I'm here for you, right?

, right? But also I was more [: 00:04:45

I think it's the same thing, I, I hope I'm like that [00:05:15] at work with our staff, I hope I'm like that with our kids. I also feel like Eliza holds that, right? I had a conversation with her a few months ago, and she was telling me a situation at work about a work situation she was going through, and I just felt her heart, [00:05:30] and I thought, gosh, I hope that's what people hear when I'm talking.

tee my words are going to be [: 00:05:45

That's what I can promise, but I can't promise safe. So, even in the mission of EKC, I changed the word from [00:06:00] safe to brave. And writing a grant now, I just, I'm working with a grant writer and he used the word safe and I said, the word is brave, right? We're creating brave spaces for our kids to be themselves and to develop community with one another.

So [: 00:06:15

Aransas: I love this so much, Louisa, and I think about courage a lot. I created the Uplifters because I believe that we become more courageous through hearing others courage, and it [00:06:30] gives us proof points and evidence that we can be courageous. And so then we weighed our way in one step, one practice at a time into being our bravest selves.

work, I find that courageous [: 00:06:45

Lovisa: So now I'm going to ask you, what [00:07:00] does that mean?

Aransas: Well, I think so many of us were raised to be polite and kind and nice.

Lovisa: 100%.

ying the truth. Yeah. And we [: 00:07:15

Lovisa: Especially girls, right?

Especially girls.

Aransas: Uh huh.

s that really attracts me to [: 00:07:30

And we mask well because society tells us that's what we're supposed to do. We're not supposed to show anger. We're supposed to be friends with everybody. And I think it really does take courage to be able to say to [00:08:00] someone that didn't feel good. and that wasn't okay. And I still like you, right? Like, you're not canceling someone just because you don't like something.

ing, Coach Waltz, right? His [: 00:08:15

What did he say about [00:08:30] him? Right. Just the action that he's on national TV and bawling, not looking embarrassed, not looking scared, not looking ashamed, but looking proud and loving his dad. I was like, [00:08:45] that moment where he's like,

Aransas: that's my

Lovisa: dad. I know. Right. Like, I was just like, yeah, it was just, oh gosh.

ust because it just, it hits [: 00:09:00

They get to nerd out on rock band music or art or whatever. I just, I love that. And when you see that or, you know, I just think they're teaching [00:09:30] us, right? Like when you see their vulnerability, um, in one of our groups, we have people that we had a group of kids that were Spanish speakers that didn't know English and the, our staff person speaks Spanish.

versations with both groups. [: 00:09:45

We want an inclusive world where people are looking out for each other. There was a brave space for those non Spanish speaking kids to say, Hey, why aren't our signs? in Spanish. Why are [00:10:15] they all in English? And you're just like, yeah, why aren't they?

Aransas: And what that took is them seeing past their own immediate needs and recognizing someone else's.

ike, that's just the best. I [: 00:10:30

And I just thought, that's what I want our kids to walk into, right? And not have people stare at them or make them feel uncomfortable, but to say, Hey, what's your name? And just ask all the [00:11:00] normal, regular questions you ask any person. I said, the reason I want to expand is because I want. Other kids to experience with this group has already developed, which is a wonderful brave space.

ly telling when the kids are [: 00:11:15

Yeah. Absolutely. What do you think these teachers are doing to help these kids see other kids experiences?

Lovisa: I [: 00:11:45

Right. They're having a conversation with you and they're not acting as if you can control that. Right. They're sitting there saying, Hey, what's going on? And wanting to know [00:12:15] what just happened, right. Or what is happening inside of your body right now. And I think not having to mask that is powerful, not having to pretend that you're not, something's not happening inside of you, but being able to let [00:12:30] it out and knowing that there are people that are in that environment that aren't going to freak out, that are going to sit down next to you and say, okay, hey, what's going on?

opped what we were doing and [: 00:12:45

And we're fortunate that we had a neurodivergent teen that was an intern with us. And she said, Hey, it might be the lights. And then we turned the lights down and it instantly stopped. And you're just thinking, [00:13:15] how fortunate were we that we had her as an intern, right? And for me, that's just a whole thing about the importance of diversity in a group.

ey know that you don't know. [: 00:13:30

So I actually wasn't there when it happened, but everyone told me, and I was so excited to say to her in a group, we were so lucky to have you, that you were there that day because you really made a difference. And that's important. All of us want to [00:14:00] hear that.

Aransas: What I'm hearing happening over and over again in these stories is what I dub acknowledge and validate.

and your felt experience of [: 00:14:15

Lovisa: Yeah. And, you know, especially in specific to that [00:14:30] team. That isn't my reality. And so I would not have said the light, right? I was thinking, you know, did somebody poke them and we didn't see it? I couldn't even imagine, right? But she knew because that's her reality. [00:14:45] So it's pretty powerful.

Aransas: It is pretty powerful.

feel seen in that way. Yet, [: 00:15:00

Lovisa: Yeah. And I love that you call it a superpower and I'm definitely gonna, I'm gonna take that. On my LinkedIn right now, I saw this story on Instagram where this woman was [00:15:30] talking to parents. Please tell your kids about my kids. But my kid, right? Did you see that one? I just like, I saw it. I thought, I want everyone to see this, right?

ay that? To scream it at the [: 00:15:45

And I think that enough parents don't know that. When you look away that people see you looking away or when you, when you think that you're whispering, don't stare, [00:16:15] people hear you. And so I love that this parent just said, you know, tell your kids about my kid and just let them say hi. Right. So, yeah, I think that's just, it's so important.

of the things I love is when [: 00:16:30

Because we're, we're sharing a space together. So I'm super excited every time we are able to. Don't want to use the word invade, but it is kind of a little bit of an invasion at the beginning. And hopefully [00:17:00] after a while, it's a shared space, right? And you'll be used to seeing us in that space and wonder where we are when you don't.

n't hear Eliza's episode or, [: 00:17:15

Lovisa: It was founded by Eliza Factor, a mom who wanted to create, or to have a space for herself and for her son, Felix, that allowed them to have community, to be in a [00:17:30] space with other families that were like their family that weren't doctor offices, right?

ies doing anime clubs. Maker [: 00:17:45

So now you're in a space with other families that are like yours, that understand if you're having a hard time with your child, no one's staring at you, because they all get it. And you're able to talk to [00:18:15] people about where do you go to the dentist and how do you do blah, blah, blah. And so there's a networking that happens organically and there's friendships that are developed.

It's lovely.

re your superpowers, Lovisa? [: 00:18:30

Lovisa: transparent. I really think that that helps a lot in situations, saying that I'm scared, asking a question, hopefully creating a brave space for someone else to be transparent or to be vulnerable or to [00:18:45] share. So I work on that a lot.

I want people to know me, even though I'm scared for people to know me if I'm

given a model of leadership [: 00:19:00

Lovisa: Yeah. Because the truth is it's not true and it's exhausting, right? Who wants to know it [00:19:15] all? Who does know it all? You just can't. It's exhausting. And, or even the whole my way or, or not. That's also exhausting. You're not the only smart person in the room. There's some really creative people that you're working with.

Let them shine, right? [: 00:19:30

And so when I remind myself, okay, you know, this didn't work out this time. It's okay because the majority of the time it does and you just see kind of, to be honest, I feel like I see it in my staff, the way they treat [00:20:00] each other, the way they treat our kids, the way we treat our families. It just, it works.

e other way. Mm hmm. So what [: 00:20:15

Lovisa: it somewhere, right? I don't know, Brene Brown's vulnerability TED Talk. I think probably seeing it and [00:20:30] playing around with it and seeing the results and thinking, God, this really works.

I like it. You

Aransas: said, I saw

Lovisa: that

Aransas: it

Lovisa: works.

nd that we're told, right? A [: 00:20:45

It sounds like you're sort of consolidating your evidence and you're like, this is going well. I'm going to keep going down that path. And so what are some of those proof points that you see to sort of let us see? [00:21:15] The impact.

Lovisa: I so appreciate someone saying my mom's in the hospital and I'm here, but I just want you to know that I might get a call.

ld you be here? Right? Like, [: 00:21:30

We will eat ramen, do whatever it takes. Because you only, that chance, that opportunity comes once, right? It comes once. And you have to know where you want to be. I said it to staff, [00:22:00] you never want to be at work. I never want you to be at work. I've had conversations with board members where I'm like crying.

y head, no, brave. I do feel [: 00:22:15

And when it doesn't, you also know that [00:22:30] it's comes from a place from people probably. that are believing the other thing that you and I were just talking about, right? That you're not supposed to be vulnerable because it makes you look weak and I'm okay being weak looking.

d that she grew up believing [: 00:22:45

And it comes in many forms and that's what I hear here is that we can be honest and vulnerable [00:23:00] and create ease and trust and acceptance, which is a whole heck of a lot less exhausting and requires ultimately a lot less

uy into the other way. It is [: 00:23:15

And I think what you just said is really important as well in terms of power looks different. Like we have a person that works with us, and Christina, and I think that when, then I think [00:23:30] that people might see her and not think that she's powerful. And we changed her title because I said, Oh, no, you're a lead.

der. Her actions are leading [: 00:23:45

Aransas: So much of this is about [00:24:00] non judgment and acceptance in this time where things do feel so divided. And it seems like we're constantly being forced to pick teams. Yeah. What do you think we can learn from your [00:24:15] story to help us be bravely connected?

Lovisa: Gus Waltz, right? It doesn't matter what side of the team you're on.

is a kid that loves his dad. [: 00:24:30

I've been married for a lot of years, we don't. And it's like, what are those things that we have in common that we get to celebrate together? I want our kids to think about the things that they get to nerd out, like, that's what I think is really cool that our kids get to nerd out on the same thing. And they probably [00:25:00] don't know anything else outside of what they know in that space together.

r, we're together, we're the [: 00:25:15

Aransas: You're so right. My best friend growing up and I, we vote complete opposite ends of the spectrum. From an organized religion standpoint, we are a complete opposite ends of the spectrum.

[: 00:25:30

I love that though. But [00:26:00] it's true. Yeah, I love that. And I think we can love people who are very different than us and find similarities in that. Yeah. And I'm just so grateful to have that in my life [00:26:15] because it also helps me not demonize the people who are different from me. Mm hmm. For sure.

Because that's tempting sometimes when I'm like, how could you believe that thing that seems so anathema to me?

Yeah. Or why wouldn't I say [: 00:26:30

That's what breaks the walls down. And so, yeah, and [00:26:45] that's why I like us being in public spaces. Because once you see us and see our excitement about the same thing, we're nerding out on games the way you're nerding out on games, right? And then it's like, oh, I didn't think they even knew games. And I was like, no, we're like into [00:27:00] this game.

We like Dungeons and Dragons too, right? So yeah, I love that. And it helps you now. The next time you see someone, you're going to go, okay.

have I had this conversation [: 00:27:15

And With one of our early guests and still probably one of the most important episodes we've ever done with Lisa Halberstadt [00:27:45] and we talked about not passing by people on the street and pretending they didn't exist, but acknowledging our shared humanity. And so to me, this just feels so full circle right now.

If that's the [: 00:28:00

Lovisa: Yeah. I mean, there's a homeless woman that stays downstairs.

the bodega. Sometimes we buy [: 00:28:30

Like, I try not to buy food unless I ask your name. Right? Because I want to know who you are. I want to be [00:28:45] able to look you in the face and say hi. Right? It makes a

ryone who is different or in [: 00:29:00

Lovisa: Yeah.

Aransas: For sure. Because when you look into the eyes of that person, suddenly they're not so scary. And our kids are kids.

Lovisa: Yeah. They're not someone you need to look away from. They're kids.

s: Just say hi. I think that [: 00:29:15

Lovisa: so funny.

Aransas: Thank you for being

To thank Eliza. I was scared [: 00:29:30

Aransas: We can do scary things. I know I had to say to myself,

Lovisa: you can do hard things. Same thing I say to kids, right? I can do hard things.

Aransas: And every time we do it, I talk about it as loading because I heard about that.

They're [: 00:29:45

Lovisa: Yeah. And superpower. I love that. I'm taking it.

Aransas: Thank you. I'm taking you with me too.

Thank you, Lovisa.

Lovisa: You're welcome. Thanks for making this easy. Yeah. Thanks for creating the space for me to be brave.

Aransas: [: 00:30:15

com [00:30:30] head over to Spotify, Apple podcast, or. Wherever you get your podcast and like, follow and rate our show, it'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one of these [00:30:45] beautiful stories.

Music: Mm Ah, big love painted water, sunshine with rosemary and I'm dwelling, perplexing.

No, you find ITing [: 00:31:00

Lift you up, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, [00:31:45] oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Beautiful.

ttle thing you did with your [: 00:32:00

Aransas: Mommy,

Music: stop crying. You're disturbing the peace.