Episode 90
Finding Light in Life's Darkest Moments with Aditi Sethi, MD
Today’s Featured Uplifter: Aditi Sethi, MD
Aditi Sethi, MD is a hospice and palliative care physician, end-of-life doula, and Executive Director of the Center for Conscious Living and Dying. Featured in the forthcoming film The Last Ecstatic Days, Aditi is an emerging and important voice for shifting our culture’s understanding and approach to dying, death, and bereavement care. She recently did a TEDx talk in Asheville, NC entitled "The Art of Dying Before You Die."
In a culture that often turns away from death, Dr. Aditi Sethi stands as a gentle revolutionary, inviting us to look directly at what we fear most – and find unexpected gifts of presence, connection, and love. Aditi's work challenges our modern tendency to medicalize and institutionalize death, offering instead a path of conscious preparation and community care.
Her journey began as a child visiting India, where she witnessed "the full range of human experience" in plain sight – from poverty to vitality, aging to death – in stark contrast to the manicured existence she knew in Augusta, Georgia. This early exposure to life's raw realities sparked a lifelong calling that led her to become a hospice volunteer at 17 and eventually a physician specializing in end-of-life care.
But it wasn't until caring for Ethan Sisser (featured in the forthcoming film "The Last Ecstatic Days") that Aditi fully realized her mission: helping people prepare for death while they're still vibrantly alive. This preparation goes far beyond advance directives and practical arrangements – though those matter too. It's about the spiritual and emotional readiness to face our mortality, and in doing so, to live more fully in each precious moment.
Through her own recent experiences of profound loss – including the unexpected death of her beloved father and a dear friend – Aditi demonstrates how conscious grieving can transform our relationship with death. The story of her young son Avi's raw, honest grieving at the community fire after his grandfather's passing stands as a powerful testament to what's possible when we create space for authentic emotion instead of hiding it away.
5 Key Uplifting Lessons:
1. Presence Over Perfection: Instead of trying to fix or change difficult emotions around death and grief, we can choose to be fully present with whatever arises – whether it's wailing, raging, or quiet tears. This presence itself becomes a powerful healing force.
2. Community as Medicine: Death and grief don't have to be solitary experiences. When we allow our communities to hold us in our most vulnerable moments, we discover a depth of support and connection that transforms the experience of loss.
3. Small Deaths as Teachers: Every time we face a significant letting go – whether it's moving homes, ending relationships, or shifting careers – we practice for the ultimate transition. These "small d deaths" can teach us how to surrender with grace.
4. Self-Care isn't Selfish: As Uplifters, we must learn to receive care as well as we give it. Sometimes the most powerful way to serve others is to honor our own needs for rest, renewal, and authenticity.
5. Living Fully Means Dying Consciously: When we acknowledge that our time is limited, we gain clarity about what truly matters. This awareness can guide us to live more intentionally, express our love more freely, and pursue what brings us alive while we're here.
The Uplifters’ Web
Today’s opening is by Mary Beth Farrell, a true Uplifter and a generous paid sponsor of this podcast. Aditi was nominated by the wonderful Jonathan Pillot.
Let’s keep rising higher together.
💓 Aransas
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Transcript
Aransas: Welcome to the Uplifters Podcast. I'm Aransas Savas and I have chills all over my body because I feel so [00:00:30] excited to talk to our guest today.
an end of life doula. She's [:Aditi, thank you for [00:02:00] joining us today.
Aditi: Thank you so much.
Aransas: most of us grow up with a lot of fear around death.
s that it's scary and scary. [:Aditi: When did that
Aransas: begin for you?
ld when I first went back to [:Rooted in Augusta, Georgia, in the south. And when I went back to India, I distinctly remember being [00:02:45] struck by the full range of human experience that was in plain sight. Young children begging in the streets of poverty was so present and prevalent and the elder woman that was also begging in the street and aging, [00:03:00] the dying, sitting in the streets of India and just witnessing it all.
existence was all there. And [:At a volunteer fair on our, on our college campus, this booth was there and I was so grateful for it. But I thought, what the heck is hospice? I'd never heard of it. And when the woman shared with me that you can learn the skills at this [00:03:45] age, you know, you can learn the skills to be present with people when they're facing death.
t? Like, and you're inviting [:Aransas: Wow. And did you know you were going to practice medicine at that point?
Was that an interest of yours?
ly an interest. My daughter, [:[00:04:30] Yeah, I did, but I, I didn't know what kind or, you know, what I would do. And I actually, in college, I was really interested in integrative medicine and mind body medicine and, And that was when it was really coming to the forefront back then. So I didn't know I would devote my whole life to this. [00:04:45] Now it's, it's changed and it's evolved over the years.
he sacredness really of this [:And also I was aware of the lack of preparation on the provider's part for death and even education around death and dying and the [00:05:30] actual turning away from engaging in dialogue around death and dying. And it struck me and I knew something was not quite whole in terms of our relationship to this.
le experience that we're all [:But a year into that, I started seeing that, wait a second, people are still coming to us totally [00:06:15] unprepared. Terrified with a lot of loose ends, things left undone that we didn't really have time to address when they're actively dying. And so then I started exploring this, this realization that, wait a second, I don't even think it's up to the [00:06:30] medical system to change that.
me to do here. And it wasn't [:It wasn't until I started, I was on that journey with him that I realized, okay, it's time to really [00:07:00] dive into death's place in our lives. And so that catalyzed me leaving my career as I knew it, founding the Center for Conscious Living and Dying and ultimately being with you here today.
Aransas: What a journey.
[:Aditi: what does that look like? So there's the practical preparation, you know, getting your affairs in order, the advanced directives, making sure your wishes for your care of your body and spirit are known by [00:07:30] the people you love.
Aransas: And that you know what they are because it is one of the things that we avoid even thinking of to discover that we do have a preference.
Aditi: And you have choice. You have agency. You have autonomy.
Aransas: Mm hmm. [:Aditi: David Kessler, a prominent writer and grief worker, he says, you know, we prepare more for a weekend getaway than we do our own death. And for many, that is so true. You sit with that.
ertainly weddings, right? Or [:And how strange that we don't do that for our dads. Interesting.
practical. And then there's [:Where [00:08:30] will we be? Asking those big questions and really sitting with the reality that we will one day leave this physical form. And everyone we love will. And that moves into the emotional piece. Preparation of what does it mean to really let go [00:08:45] and realize that we really don't have control. We think we have control.
, eight weeks. And so I have [:This reality, [00:09:15], when anxiety creeps up, when you experience letting go of the people that are instrumental in your life, and you no longer have them in the physical, how do you deal with the physical response to that? Physiologic experience of grief, which I'm experiencing [00:09:30] now. And that to me is where the conscious living part comes in.
could, because of our bond. [:if it's wailing, I wail, if it's raging, I rage, I just move through each emotion and I just show up. in this moment fully here.
at a beautiful bit of wisdom [:Tragically, she was [00:10:30] struck by a subway train. So it was very sudden, there was no preparation, just a little girl. And I look at that against, you know, the, The slow passing of watching my 94 year old grandmother who raised me and who's my heart [00:10:45] slowly fade and change and the long goodbye there. \ as you're saying that, I'm thinking about sort of both of those extremes.
And how the [:Aditi: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I've spent my whole life tending to anticipated death. [00:11:30] And here I am launched into the, this initiatory space of dealing with unexpected death. And then there's traumatic death, you know, which what you speak of and that I'm a student, you know, I'll always be a student, but I'm, I'm feeling the [00:11:45] beginner's mind here.
where a holistic approach to [:[00:12:15] I
're saying about the medical [:Aditi: I think there's a time and a place for the tools that medicine has to prolong life. And when we forget that there are so many other [00:13:00] ways to support a human being apart from just the physical, then we are essentially doing a disservice in my mind to the whole person and ultimately the family. And so for my father, for example, my father was picking flowers [00:13:15] hydrangeas on a rock ledge at his house and he fell, he was picking them for my brother and his wife and he fell and hit his head.
re going to entrust his care [:I had [00:13:45] no qualms with that. It felt like the right thing to do. When he stayed in a coma for two weeks on up and the treatments were doing more harm and the interventions were having more side effects and it was clear that if he did come out of this coma, his quality of [00:14:00] life would not be what he had wanted.
him. And so it went shifting [:And my mom is still, my mother and all of us are still coming to terms with the fact that he's not here in the physical. It just takes time and it takes loving kindness and gentleness and [00:14:30] presence with all that's coming up, including the regret and remorse and questioning of our decisions. Like that's all here too for us to be with.
re. So we brought music into [:A rainbow emerged, the sun was setting, the community choir sang in his bedside. I mean, it was, to be the recipient of the care that we are creating here and offering to others was just beyond words. Can't imagine doing it [00:15:15] any other way. That is profoundly different
Aransas: than most deaths and most goodbyes.
en able to give that to your [:Aditi: yourself? You know, my father always said that he was coming to Asheville, where I live, to be closer to me so that he could have a peaceful, dignified death. Having been able to facilitate [00:15:45] and support that transition, even in the wake of such grief because it was so unexpected, it feels like the greatest gift I could give him.
y was held during that time. [:And, um, One of the most poignant experiences I've ever had in community occurred after his last breath. And it involved my eight [00:16:30] year old son, Avi, who deeply connected to my father. My dad always said that he felt like Avi was a saint, you know, saintly and such a wise soul. And they just had some deep karmic bond and they loved playing ping pong together.
o that was like their thing. [:And she told him, Avi, you know, it's okay. You can cry. And at that moment, it's like you turn the faucet on and he just started weeping and wailing. And so the dear sister's friends came [00:17:15] and brought him to me. And I was still in just like this shock of the reality that my dad just took his last breath and I quickly, you know, got protective and turned towards Avi and held him.
the community fire. that was [:So the fire was being held intended to, people were surrounding the fire. I came with Avi and I, all I knew to do is just to hold him and let him wail. And nobody came [00:18:00] and tried to fix or take care of us. They just held space. They just. We're witnessing this and a dear firekeeper, soul, family, friend, brother, started playing the flute and just played the flute the whole time while Avi just wailed [00:18:15] and wailed for probably 20 minutes.
a mother bear energy came in [:This is why we have denied death. This is why we hide it behind closed doors because it hurts. It's so painful. There's so much [00:18:45] physically released when someone crosses truly based on the depths of our love. And so to see him play the next day and just have moved through that grief and to know he was okay and he is okay was just [00:19:00] so profound and I had grown elder males, Caucasian males mainly, that said Avi was such a teacher for me during this process.
t it meant to have my father [:Aransas: I have a friend who always says, emotion is energy in motion, and so often it is stuck. And we hold the [00:19:30] emotion in and then we wonder why we feel stuck and unable to move through our experiences.
wing the emotion to be felt, [:And what energy that freed up for others around him who no longer felt like the only option was to hide. I think we don't know that we have an agency and choice in how we die or how we [00:20:15] grieve, And so then we just feel all this shame about how we do these things.
Aditi: It's beautiful. Thank you for that reflection.
Talk that I had never really [:You could climb Everest again. You could climb other mountains. There are [00:21:00] parallel experiences, but death is really the only thing we're going to do just once. the aha for me was, Oh, well, of course it should be the most special then and the most intentional because [00:21:15] we only have this one opportunity to know what that is like.
lessing or don't acknowledge [:People are actually getting to experience parts of themselves dying and, um, practicing for the ultimate release. And I, and [00:21:45] people are hungry for it. There's a yearning for it. Because you get closer and closer to that essence that may be eternal. Maybe we have done this before, many times. Yes, we died at this incarnation, this physical body, this human experience.
But what if we've done [:Aransas: How do you [00:22:15] Help people prepare for that
Aditi: experience. You know, when I left my career as I knew it and founded the center, it was all about, uh, community supported death care.
thought was if we can start [:So just exposure and nearness and presence with those who are dying can be transformative and can alleviate a lot of that, the mystery and fear of what the dying process is like. So that [00:23:00] alone is one way to prepare is just start to show up for people that you love and not don't shy away from it and don't shy away from the grief because so much of the time we don't know how to be with people who are grieving.
nt to retraumatize all these [:And then there's so many practices for death, meditations on death, really looking at your life as it is now and where you'd want to be if you knew you were dying in three months, for example. And what would it take to get to those things? For example, I know I want to record more music and if I [00:23:45] were to die tomorrow, I would on some level, or if I knew I had three months left to live, I'd be regretting that I haven't recorded more music.
So I'm going to do that now, actually, this weekend. And so those sorts of things, like what would it take now to help you prepare practically?
Aransas: You talk [:Aditi: Can you explain that? With the death of my father and my dear friend Tara Dyer Gill, [00:24:15] my father's name is Kapil Sethi.
there's, there was a certain [:I don't get to hear my dad's opinions of what I'm doing, you know, and so, so who am I? I don't get to play music next to him side by side and hear his voice in the physical. So there is this death of the way things were. [00:25:00] And I think that's true of any major letting go. Who is the piano player when their fingers are no longer working?
urrender can teach us. Death [:And we all face those [00:25:30] on our own. in many ways throughout our lifetime.
and our interactions in our [:Aditi: having children, you know, how many of us long for those days when we could sleep in or for me, it's like having a clean [00:26:00] house.
I missed that.
your TED Talk is how Paula, [:And sometimes to such a degree that [00:26:30] she neglected her own well being. And you are somebody who has been caring for others for your entire life, possibly. So I wonder what you learned from Paula's passing about how [00:26:45] you care for yourself while caring for others.
as a woman and carries those [:And honesty around and a constant attunement to why am I [00:27:30] feeling the need to reach out to this person? Is it out of commitment? I mean, obligation? Is it because they're expecting it? Or is it because I'm really feeling this is mine to do, to reach out to this person? And when that happens, when you're an uplifter, I love that term, when you're doing that for so many, [00:27:45] there's always a reason to.
it's, it's accepted because [:Because with that constant accessibility and support for others, it requires me to be on my phone a lot, texting, quickly responding, always being available. [00:28:15] And I can see now, having been in the absence of that for eight weeks, what my nervous system is doing. There's a stilling, and I mentioned this presence like I've never felt, and part of that is disconnecting from all of the other commitments.
And I [:But so all to say is I'm, it's an evolution, I think it's an ongoing exploration and honesty that we have to have with ourselves to attune to our self care and our wellbeing. What is it that I need in this moment? [00:29:00] And am I okay asking for what I need? And is it okay to say, no, that's something I've never been good at?
hat is mine to do, including [:Aransas: When we are powered by purpose, sometimes that becomes a supercharge, [00:29:30] but that also means a lot of default. Answers, which for uplifters is often yes.
finding the most challenging [:And there is an intensity. There's a There's a a [00:30:00] reality to the demands of tending to a newborn. It's inherent in being a mother. And so there is a season where there may be some imbalance. So I think, honestly, the challenges that I felt were really because of the nascency of this organization and all the demands [00:30:15] that come from not having the support systems in place and all those things.
her, she'd had a brain bleed [:I went swimming today for the first time in 10 years, swimming laps. And part of that was because I was with my mother [00:30:45] who I'm supporting her, we're both supporting each other. And so in this time of grief, there's also great gifts of slowing down and, and almost a necessity to take care of the self. But why wait till you're having a crisis or a physical ailment?
That's [:Or the action, I'll say the little chatter of I'm not productive. I'm not getting all my stuff done. Just allowing [00:31:30] space for self care, knowing that trusting that all those things will be handled. The world is still spinning. The earth is still in
Aransas: motion. And that all those people who are picking up those pieces are learning new capability.
They're gaining a new sense [:Aditi: Thank you for naming that. I really couldn't be doing this without the community that has come together.
ow uncomfortable I have been [:Aransas: I don't know how to close a conversation like [00:32:45] this out. I guess it's a teeny tiny little D. Yeah, that's right. It's its own little
ou so much for this time and [:There's a real knowing to my core now and in my [00:33:15] bones that each moment is truly precious. Thank you Aditi for all you're doing in
a boost from these episodes, [:com. Head over to Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast and [00:33:45] like, follow, and rate our show. It'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one of these beautiful stories. Mmm.
Music: Big love [:Toss a star in half for beer around. Best love for relish in a new [00:34:15] prime land, a tree in springtime dance. With that, all hindsight, bring the sun to twilight. Lift you up, whoa, Lift you up, [00:34:30] whoa, Lift you up, whoa, Lift you up.
Lift you up.[:Lift you
lift.[:Beautiful. I cried. It's that little thing you did with your voice. Right, in the pre chorus, right? I was like Mommy, stop [00:35:15] crying. Mommy, stop crying. You're disturbing the peace.
