Episode 42
The Self-Healer: Overfunctioning, emotional transparency, and heart coherence with Rachel Everson Fink
When Rachel Everson Fink was in her 20s healing from anorexia and an abusive relationship, she discovered the power to change her health through meditation, yoga, quality food, qi gong, and Intention Based Field Resonance Testing.
Like so many Uplifters, Rachel Everson Fink loves to give and serve, and she feels things deeply. And like so many of us, she’s learned the hard way that without consistent boundaries, she can lose herself in caring for others.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- The steps Rachel took to learn how to care for herself
- How she teaches her patients to become self-healers
- The difference between emotional transparency and emotional vulnerability (Somebody please send Brené Brown because I need to talk to her about this. Rachel’s insight kinda blew my mind.)
- What it means to be an overfunctioner and what to do about it
- Ways to let go of what was never really yours to carry
- And as a special bonus, Rachel will guide us through two of the most powerful practices she uses with her clients
Rachel was nominated for The Uplifters Podcast by Jaclyn Dupont. Join Rachel, Jaclyn, me, and a bunch of other inspiring women in NYC on May 17 for Uplifters Live. You can learn all about it HERE.
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Transcript
Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. I'm your host, Aransas Savas. And today I am so delighted to introduce you to Rachel Everson Fink. Like most of us, she's faced her share of challenges and long the path of overcoming them has learned how to take care of herself and how to help others take care of themselves in this episode. You'll learn what it means to be a self healer.
You'll learn what it looks and feels like to be an over-functioner and what to do if over-functioning is your default. You'll also get some beautiful tips on how to let go of what was never really yours to carry. And as a special bonus, Rachel will share with us a couple of the most powerful practices she uses with her clients.
Aransas Savas (:Rachel, thank you so much for being here.
Rachel (:
Absolutely, I'm thrilled to be here.
Aransas Savas (:How did you become a wellness advocate?
Rachel (:Well, I think with any good story, you have your own story to go along with it, right? So for me, it was an understanding when I was little that I wanted to help other people, but I had to...
I had to go through some trials and tribulations to get there. So I started in my early teens with eating disorder in middle school and then moved on to the bad boyfriend. That was obligatory in my 20s. And then really just fast forwarding to meeting this amazing healer that I worked with who really identified for me.
one of my greatest roadblocks, which was emotional in nature. It felt physical, but it was emotional.. That the idea that old story could be present emotionally for me, and then how do you move past that, recontextualize that, create new perspective, and as a result of that, have healing. And that's the journey that I was on from a wellness perspective. So there was a physical component for sure.
But really I found that once someone could open my eyes to both emotionally what maybe I had been doing personally, that was revolutionary in terms of health. So that's really one of the things I do. Certainly that's how I found myself in wellness is through my own kind of heartache and struggle.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah, I think that's true for so many of us. It helps us both understand the work at a much deeper level, but also appreciate the work in a much more honest and compelling way. So for you, what did that work look like?
Rachel (:Thank you.
Rachel (:I think for me the biggest piece of that work was really releasing shame. So one of the things that I talk a lot about with people is that all of these emotions we have are human emotions and none deserve any judgment. They just are. So the premise is like, oh gosh, I feel angry. Yep, a lot of people feel angry. I feel resentment. And putting words to those emotions so that you can understand them and just say that's normal.
And that's the human condition. Instead of doing the thing where you feel this emotion, I'm angry, and then you're like, well, that doesn't feel great. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Oh, oh, I feel resentful. Oh, that's not nice. I'm a good person. Stuff, stuff, stuff. And so it's the idea that, yep, you have those emotions. That's natural. Those are normal. But do you wanna live there? Is that your home? Or do you wanna acknowledge them and allow them to float by and past you? And then,
Aransas Savas (:Mmm.
Rachel (:get to the thing you really want, which is love or compassion or wonder. And really those emotions aren't bad in themselves, they're teachers, but really I don't want to live there. So I take the lesson and then I allow it to move through so I don't block the things I really want, which are wonder and joy and peace.
Aransas Savas (:as you say that, I can see how much you shift energetically too. when you talk about emotions as teachers, what does that mean to you?
Rachel (:Thank you.
Rachel (:Well, I think that we're kind of taught to judge ourselves and judge our emotions. Like, oh, I'm a good person, so I shouldn't have those emotions. And instead, I just feel like they're teachers for us. I felt resentful, but why? Why is the question? The resentment is just what it is, but why was that triggering for me?
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:What do I need to learn here? One, is it the situation? Did I over function? Did I show up too much for that person? Now I'm burnt out and now I'm feeling resentful and it has nothing to do with the person. It has to do with me not having boundaries. I'm potentially picking the wrong person to show up to that extent for. It just might not be the right choice. And instead of being resentful towards that person, it's really the question is like, well, I'm experiencing this emotion.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:Why would that be? How can I grow from it? And what choice could I make differently in the future? That's the teaching.
Aransas Savas (:in that process of automatic response, we're going to respond in the most automatic way. And yet, how do you slow down in order to ask yourself those questions? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Rachel (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:practice and time, right? So I had to first build awareness that was the emotion I was actually experiencing. And that's probably the biggest trick. And one of the things that I do with clients is like, well, you're saying it's anger, but actually it's this. This is how it tests. It tests as this for you. And so what I want you to do is so I do it's muscle testing, but it's also more reflex.
Aransas Savas (:What do you mean by that? A test?
Rachel (:based testing where I'm holding their ankles and I'm asking yes, no questions of their body. And I'm asking very specific questions to get to the root of the challenge.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Rachel (:, the modality is considered informational based medicine or frequency based medicine. people are tested through a protocol, but then, and you're asking questions, is this a physical issue or is it non-physical? And when you think about it being physical.
What might that be? Toxins,. But then the non-physical is where is it? Is it mental? Is it emotional? Or is it spiritual? And so then digging into that a little bit and then asking the client, does that feel true to you? Because I really think that some of this feels like that the...
the healer, the person that's kind of providing that guidance often gets labeled as the expert and it can get a little distorted. And the other person who's getting provided the care kind of loses their voice in that process. And it can feel secretive, like, well, here's all my answers. And really what I want people to do is get curious. Well, does that feel true though?
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (: Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:Yes. , I'm just asking you to be curious. I want you to have your most profound wellness. So I don't get to make that choice, but get curious about it and see if that's true for you. Be honest without shame, without struggle or guilt or, and just get curious and be like, well, what did I learn from that? Or how do I make it part of my story and make it meaningful?
Aransas Savas (:how do you make sense of your lived experience?
Rachel (:You know, I've thought about this more than once, that I often experience things ahead of my peers, so that I can almost be ready for that experience for the people around me. So I...
lost my dad before my peers did, my friends did. And so I was able to show up in a profoundly different way in grief with other people where I didn't try to solve it. I just allowed it. And I said, you know, you can always talk to me about this. I will always love to hear stories about the people that you've lost. I understand how powerful that is.
Before that experience, what I would have wanted to do is save them from the moment, save them from that emotion, make it less uncomfortable, jump in with the solution. And there isn't a solution, you're just sad. And you wanna tell the stories about the people you love, go for it, I'm here to listen. I'm here to honor your journey through my silence.
Aransas Savas (:What a beautiful phrase. And I hear in that how you have owned the timing of these moments as an advantage or an opportunity to be of service. And you mentioned in the beginning that you said, well, I was born wanting to help.
Rachel (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:But I think for so many uplifters, we steal from ourselves in order to serve. Rachel (13:53.312)
, I used to want to save,?? what I really have discovered is you can't reach richness unless you are willing to go through some of this. And so instead of trying to save people, I try to honor the journey.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:it is okay that there is struggle and it is okay that you have these emotions. It's all okay. it's just the human experience. before I would have tried to avoid all of that. What they really just want is to be heard, seen.
I've done the shame journey. I've done the like...
beat myself up about decisions, for picking the wrong person, for being in an abusive relationship. Yeah, but guess what? It taught me a lot. Having had that eating disorder in middle school, guess what it taught me? To not do that again when the boyfriend that was the no good boyfriend said, let's only eat one meal a day so we never gain weight. I was able to look at him and be like, I don't think so. That's not how this works. I'm gonna have babies. I'm gonna go through menopause. The chances of me gaining weight are real good.
Aransas Savas (:Mm.
Rachel (:You know what I mean? Like I'm not doing that with you. And if I hadn't had that experience in middle school, I don't think I would have been ready to stand up for myself in my 20s.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm, or to start recognizing that maybe this guy had some unhelpful and unhealthy ideas
Rachel (:Yes, like he was unwell. Like maybe I recognized in him like all kinds of challenges, but I just think that that's the beauty of those moments is to say, hey, I'll learn from them and I am powerful because of them. And I think the only tragedy is when people don't choose to learn from those moments and they beat themselves up forever having them.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:You know, I used to feel a lot of shame that I struggled with an eating disorder in middle school. And it's something I kept really secret. And even to share it here is still pretty emotionally transparent of me. But I don't want it to live in shame. I don't want it to live in secrecy, because if I'm not willing to own all parts of my story, then that's not good for me.. And it doesn't have to be filled with shame.
Aransas Savas (:What do you mean by emotional transparency, Rachel?
Rachel (:when people use the word emotional vulnerability, I think there can be almost a power shift that can happen where the other person hearing is like, oh, you know, they're vulnerable. You're weak. There's a problem here. And I think when you say, there can be like this kind of power shift and you're like,
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:You're weak. Yeah. There's a problem here. Yes.
It, well, and also just reinforces the shame.
Rachel (:Yes, 100%, 1000%. And so when I heard the term emotional transparency, I go, that's it. I don't need you to solve this for me, but I am allowed to experience this in front of you. I am emotionally transparent to that experience, emotionally transparent, doesn't make the other person one, feel like they have more power.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah.
Rachel (:right? Because that can be, that can happen. And they also don't inappropriately decide that they have to help you.
Aransas Savas (:Right.
Rachel (:you can just be where you are. I'm emotionally transparent. This is my struggle bus today. And they're like, okay. And I'm like, I'm just being emotionally transparent here. That's challenging. And they're like, oh, I get it. And there's no by play there.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah, there's also no asking for what you don't want. humans crave purpose. We need it in order to feel useful and valued in the world.
Rachel (:Exactly.
Rachel (:Yes.
Rachel (:Thank you.
Aransas Savas (:And we need it so badly that oftentimes we put it where it isn't needed. And so we try to be of service in the way that we think people want. And it is, it's, we've talked about before on the show, it's called the writing reflex, and it is a tendency, particularly in uplifters, to want to help and to be useful and to be purposeful.
And then we wonder why people are like, leave me alone. Right, and I think we see it with our kids, our partners, that people we're most intimate with and where we want to be the most of service, but maybe don't have a defined relationship that's built on service. Right, so with your clients, if you're in a helping perspective, that's kind of what they came there for. But with your family, there's a much broader agreement.
Rachel (:Yes.
Rachel (:Yes.
Rachel (:Yes, and you know, I think that has been a hard lesson to learn,, as somebody that's, you know, feels emotions pretty deeply from people and then as a result kind of wants to solve that. Because that but I'm like, now I'm yeah, and I'm now learning to just be with that discomfort, like, yep. And so this is emotionally uncomfortable. And I'm not jumping in to solve it.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah, you want to help?
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm. Mmm. Okay, let's talk about over-functioning. Is there a club for us?
Rachel (:because that's where I over function.
Rachel (:Yeah, it's called stop. You know, I had a mother whom I loved dearly and she was just out visiting, but she was the kind of person that was really easy to over function for. And
Aransas Savas (:Oh
Aransas Savas (:Yeah.
Rachel (:then what I found is I was creating that same dynamic in female friendships, particularly. And what ended up happening is I'd almost become people's, I would start as a friend, but then eventually I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm the unpaid personal assistant. Like, how did this happen? Well, poor boundaries. My love language is really service.
Aransas Savas (:Interesting. I'm gonna go think about that.
Aransas Savas (:Thanks for watching!
Aransas Savas (:Hmm.
Rachel (:I love service and I like time with people. So you add service to time with people and I'm there for it. but with a person that's not gonna honor those as my love languages, what can happen is it can bleed into this idea of being someone's personal assistant.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:which is not what you were signing up for.
Rachel (:No. And it wasn't, and I really felt a lot of resentment towards that situation, but I had to really reflect and be like, well, that's, I showed up without the no.. Even though I want to help and I want to be of service and I want to show up and I want to solve challenges for that person, sometimes I have to say to myself, no, no.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:I need to say no. I need to have boundary. This person needs to have a moment to figure this out themselves because they can also become inappropriately reliant on it. So it runs both ways.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Eh.
And I found that as someone who has a yes tendency, that the same process that you described earlier for expressing and really feeling emotion worked here because I can move to yes really quickly. And so how do I slow down the yes and get clear on whether my yes is a yes or my yes is actually an obligation or an expectation? It was practice.
Rachel (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:It's, oh, 100%. It's 100% practice. And I naturally have a lot of energy. So it's easy to say yes. Oh yeah, that's no problem. Sure, I'll run there and I'll do that. And I'll do 10 runs. Fine, don't care. And COVID taught me that. It taught me better boundaries around a yes and a no, because I was...
Aransas Savas (:It's still practice.
Aransas Savas (:Yeah.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:forced to think a little bit more thoughtfully, I had more space to think and practice those skills. And then I also did t a training to learn how to support and help heal others. And so that training really taught me something valuable and it was my own boundaries energetically. So if somebody was in crisis, I would feel that instead of wondering if it was outside me, I would internalize it.
Aransas Savas (:Mmhm
Rachel (:And I was like, oh my gosh, what's that? And I would like look in.
Aransas Savas (:What am I doing? I can carry this responsibility.
Rachel (:And I would forget. Yeah, and what I would forget is I was just fine. Like my heart wasn't racing, my body wasn't feeling anything. I just happened to walk into a space where it was very visceral to me that there was something going on, but I used to always look in and not look around. And that was a really pivotal moment for me in terms of that wellness piece it's because I identified when it wasn't mine.
Aransas Savas (:Mmmm
Rachel (:before it always was mine, even if it wasn't, because I felt it.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm. And I love the way you just worded that because it's not like, it's not us sometimes, right? But it's not us all the time.
Rachel (:Yes.
Rachel (:Yes. And it was just like, it was just looking around. Like I was just fine. I was just totally in this harmonious space. I felt good. I was relaxed in my body, felt coherent. And then all of a sudden, like, I don't know if you've ever had this, but it's like ping, it's like, my heart is racing and now I'm all a flutter and I'm looking around. and I used to just look in for the problem or the issue
And that was what changed for me. because I do feel things really deeply for people, it was tricky to know when I was feeling their incoherence or my own.
And if I could teach anybody anything, it's how to self-regulate and then to understand when they were knocked out of that and then get curious about again that why, why was I just knocked out of that. So they don't, especially for people that are very, very aware of their environments, you know, empathic perhaps, that they probably get thrown off a lot more by that and then they don't really understand where it's coming from.
Aransas Savas (:How do you teach people to do that?
Rachel (:Well, when I'm doing that testing, that informational-based testing, when I feel their coherence, when it almost feels like a hum in their bodies, I'll point it out. And I'll be like, well, this is coherence. That's what that feels like. Or they'll leave and they'll be like, I feel so calm. And I go, yep, so that's coherence, right? So that's what you're going for. And I think if people have never felt it, it's hard to find it.
, because some people are either too tuned into their bodies and their sensations, and some are too tuned out.
And so it's kind of this by play of like, yep, so this is restful. You know, this is where you reside and just helping people understand the difference.
Aransas Savas (:of it. Yeah, so it's learning that language of what it feels like
Rachel (:one of the things that I teach people right when they come in, and you hear it all the time, heartfelt gratitude. Heartfelt gratitude, if you do it multiple times across a day, you increase your immune response,? You get stronger immunity. And what I came to discover is people don't know what that means. I'm asking them to practice gratitude and they're like, okay, I'm thankful.
but you're not feeling it though. You're not sinking into your heart. we're talking about heartfelt gratitude so that they can feel it, find it, so they know how to practice that later when they're not in front of me. Because at the end of the day, I can't always be everybody's touchstone. You have to be your own touchstone.
And I don't want to be anyone's guru. You're your own healer. And so let me help you find that. And I can clear away the dust. I can help you see it better, but you are your own healer. I really encourage people to not give away their sovereignty around that, around their own healing.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm. That's so important.
Rachel (:It is and it's easy to do.
Absolutely.
Yes.
Yes, I mean, 100%. And so it's just like, you know, that's what I say all the time. This is yours. You can do this. Trust your gut., you live in your body, what feels true for you.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:But that's my hope for people, is that they find it for themselves.
Aransas Savas (:So one of the things we do occasionally on this show is we invite a practitioner to share with us a simple practice that they use and to guide us through that so that we can all use the time to invest it back into ourselves. So I wondered if there was any little practice that comes to mind for you that you would want to share?
Rachel (:So if I'm in a racing situation,. It's a breath moment, but there's no counting. And I think if you're already feeling elevated in your system, that when you have to count and think about all these different things, it can make it wors e. So it's that just two puffs in through your nose and then a long exhale.
Aransas Savas (:Great.
Rachel (:should start to feel yourself kind of come into your body a little bit more, just with that two puffs in, then just a long exhale and that's it. And sitting with that for a moment. The other one really is that heartfelt gratitude. And that's the one that I think.
it increases our immune response. It helps strengthen and bolster our immunity. And so, if you can imagine taking your hand, if it feels comfortable for you, and laying it on your chest.
Just wherever feels comfortable, to what degree feels comfortable. Again, if that feels alerting. I just want you to use your mind to focus your energy and your attention on your heart. So you can use this physical prompt of your hand to kind of help you kind of get centered on that. Or if that's uncomfortable, then just use your mind, close your eyes if that feels comfortable or leave them softly open.
I want you to just to take a minute and want you to imagine if you could that your thoughts are now moving out of your brain and they're floating down into your heart space and you're really allowing yourself to go into your heart and feel it. Just feel its presence. Feel that part of your body. Just take a moment to be there.
Rachel (:Breathing in and out. Now, if you could imagine that you're really breathing through your heart, not your nose, not your mouth. You imagine your breath coming in through your heart and out through your heart. Breathing in and out there.
Rachel (:And I just want you to start by feeling that, feeling that breath coming in and feeling that breath going out. And if you could imagine thinking just that space.
Rachel (:All I want you to think is just thank you.
Rachel (:Just even thank you for this breath, thank you for this time, thank you for this moment, just thank you. I'm here. I feel my heart. I feel this breath.
And then you could add an image if you want of a beautiful moment, space in nature, someone that you love dearly, calling that to mind and saying thank you to them. Thank you to the river. Thank you to the mountain.
Rachel (:Just really feeling that heart, really feeling that breath, and allowing yourself the moment to just sit and feel those sensations and say thank you.
Aransas Savas (:so beautiful and transporting and such a visceral example of what you've been describing here and what I love about heart math and what you're doing here is that these are anytime anywhere practices.
that as long as someone isn't driving, and even if they are, we can do it to some degree, just maybe not with our eyes closed, we can turn to ourselves. And so this idea of being a self-healer by learning how to self-care in the way that is most true and needed for us is life-changing.
Rachel (:making sure that you do these little practices that really you can do in the bathroom. You can do just even by putting your hand on your heart just for a moment to acknowledge your own existence. I think we underrate the power of those.
Aransas Savas (:Mm-hmm.
Rachel (:little things that we can do.
Aransas Savas (:It's really exciting, to think of all of us around the world, hearing your voice and sharing in these moments, even if we're not doing them at the same time, to imagine that uplifters everywhere are taking a moment to experience heartfelt gratitude for themselves,Rachel (39:03.216)
Well, and I love that you're putting out time and energy.
to give back to the community in this capacity by inspiring other uplifters, hearing other people's stories, how that might impact your life, what you could bring into your own daily practices for your own wellbeing, right? Because that's really it. And to get inspired, inspired. a dear friend of mine for a variety of reasons is now in charge of her whole home. And so she was out in her garage and she was like, I can do this. I've watched a lot of YouTube videos. I can do this. I can sharpen my own.
lawnmower blades and she had a grinder and she was going to do it and I thought that's the story I want to hear that's micro resiliency right like that's that small moment that you kind of geared yourself up or you've watched the YouTube video and you're going to do it that's exciting to me and I think that that's what we need to remember is that we are all capable of micro resiliency.
Aransas Savas (:Yes!
Rachel (:our day and I'll applaud those moments that seem little but they're huge. Huge. You watch the YouTube community. Yes cumulative that's it right? They're cumulative. They string together.
Aransas Savas (:Huge. Huge, they're cumulative.
Aransas Savas (:Absolutely. And I think when we hear them from other people, we get this inkling that maybe we could too.
Rachel (:Yes. And that's what you're doing on this podcast. I think that that's part of it, that you're showing people these moments of resiliency and sometimes they're micro moments of resiliency that are transformative to hear. I heard that story from that friend and I was like, all right, I can do hard things. I can watch YouTube videos and figure things out.I think there's power in that and I think it's power to hear these stories. So thank you for space to do that.
Aransas Savas (:Absolutely, it's my honor and privilege. May we all keep sharing our stories and seeing the magic and the humans all around us. For those of you listening, I hope you take from this a sense of possibility and wonder and an inkling of belief that you too have the power to self heal and you too have the power to feel deep gratitude and every freaking other emotion in your personal emotional language.
Head over to theu if you haven't visited us already. Every week throughout the week, I'll share with you research and stories of uplifters and ideas for how you can take good care of yourself while you're out there taking care of everyone else.
And then join us at our first ever Uplifters event, May 17 in New York City. I like, I wanna cry every time I think about the power of having that many Uplifters together in one room, lifting each other and themselves up.
