Susan McPherson: Breaking the Networking Mindset - A Guide to Genuine Connection

Voiceover: [: 00:00:00

Aransas: Welcome to the Uplifters podcast. Today I am joined by Susan McPherson, and you will hear in her story something that It is so core to the [00:00:30] essence of our collective story.

So so much. And I felt like [: 00:00:45

Then I was also curious about their inspiring women and wanted to meet the women who gave them a charge in their lives. And so today's guest was [00:01:00] nominated by the incredibly uplifting Daisy Ojeh Dominguez and comes to us. with a passion for deep connection. And she is the author, in fact, of The Lost [00:01:15] Art of Connecting.

think we can learn from. in [: 00:01:30

We would have playground meetups, we would bond [00:01:45] over one thing, which was having children at the same age, the parents would become friends and the children would become friends and There wasn't a whole lot of, a whole lot of effort that needed to go into it beyond just foundational [00:02:00] socialization. And now with Teenage Daughters, both for me, but also for my girls, it's become something that requires more conscious outreach.

f Connecting, I think really [: 00:02:15

Susan: Well, thank you. It's a joy to be here.

: So tell me why. Of all the [: 00:02:45

Susan: Well,

Aransas: it's

Susan: really the only thing I'm good at. And I don't want to be self deprecating because it's a really good thing to be good at.

Music: Yeah. [: 00:03:00

Susan: And I am a beneficiary of being good at connecting. But I think if we peel back what connecting means is. It's many things, right? It's listening more than we speak, right? We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. It's [00:03:15] being intentional. It's being kind. It's being caring. It's being curious. It's being excited for that Pandora's box when you really don't know what's on the other side of that door, yet you're willing to open it.

What it is not is [: 00:03:30

And every morning at the [00:04:00] breakfast table in the late 60s and throughout the 70s, there would be the five local newspapers, plus yesterday's or the day before's Boston Global and New York Times, because they would come via the mail. And my parents would be clipping and cutting [00:04:15] articles that made them think of colleagues, relatives, friends, and in my dad's case, he was a college professor.

articles, type little short [: 00:04:30

But, you know, once [00:04:45] technology kind of kept moving forward and by the time I had my first job and I, maybe my second job, and had a fax machine, I got to do what they did, but almost instantaneously. And then in the 90s, because the 80s was the [00:05:00] fax machine, the 90s was the advent of computers. The internet, at least the internet that consumers had access to, and I was able to put 15 people on the same email and share a recipe or share an exotic adventure or [00:05:15] share, at the time, you know, a TV show that I loved or something like that, that by virtue of sending it out to those 15 people, you were connecting them all.

all of this to the thousands [: 00:05:30

We lost the effort that went in. So hence the lost art of connecting. My goal is to help us get it back and understand the why, [00:06:00] because the benefits are tremendous. So there you go. That's how I picked connecting.

Aransas: Amazing. And, and it is interesting. I think when we sort of choose lanes to go deep on. Weird metaphor.

[: 00:06:15

There's something so meaningful about that very tangible outreach and makes me [00:07:00] so proud of her that she's kept that up. That's beautiful. Thank you. You're welcome. She's a wonder. When you talk about the intentionality, what specifically do you mean by that, Susan?

deration, the actual effort, [: 00:07:15

I mean, look, I get it. People when they post on social medias, oftentimes are being considerate. So I don't want to diss anybody or diminish any of the efforts. But I do think when you compare what My parents did before the [00:07:30] technology and the amount of foresight and forethought that went into that Is very different than than today now.

that this technology allows [: 00:07:45

And then within [00:08:00] literally 45 minutes, somebody is selling you something, right? And I thought to my, you know, what I share is what about if instead they responded with a way to be helpful to you?

Aransas: Can you give us an example of that?

stead of saying, hi, can you [: 00:08:15

Instead say, oh, I learned, you know, Daisy was your previous guest. Daisy, I just learned you have a new book coming out. Let me know how I can support you with your book. I'm happy to share some posts, [00:08:30] happy to share it with my friends. And then maybe the third or fourth back and forth, you can ask for that intro, right?

o just scan what is going on [: 00:08:45

I mean, there's so many ways we can be helpful. It's not [00:09:00] about writing a check. It's not, you know, about, you know, giving up your firstborn.

Aransas: My favorite opening for any outrage is, I was thinking of you.

Susan: Yeah.

tance, I am thinking of that [: 00:09:15

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ork the rest, you know, rest [: 00:09:30

When we walk into rooms, whether they [00:09:45] are virtual or in person, how can we lead with being helpful to others and asking the questions of others so we can find out how we can be helpful?

nce of uplifters, people who [: 00:10:00

that comes with outreach and connection with others. [00:10:15] How do you help people ask the right questions to understand how to express offers of service that feel authentic?

questions you can [: 00:10:30

You also think about during the gather phase, what are your goals? Because even though you are going to be helpful to others, it's important to think about what your hopes and dreams are. Because inevitably, [00:11:00] if you're offering up help, I fervently believe the help comes back. And never, ever, ever should we be afraid to ask for help.

offer up before you ask. And [: 00:11:15

And when you were at the beginning of, of [00:11:30] this wonderful podcast, when you were saying, you know, you would go to the playground and guess what? You'd meet people who are of similar age because you, you know, married your children. Once you kind of complete the gather phase, you can go to the ask phase, and that's when you learn to ask [00:11:45] questions that will give you the answers that will help you understand what people's hopes and dreams and desires and goals are.

n. And that's where you take [: 00:12:00

Aransas: Have you developed rituals, habits, practices around this?

have a partner, I don't have [: 00:12:30

So every morning I would, while I had my coffee, send out three to five texts, WhatsApp, emails, voice [00:12:45] notes, sometimes letters, but it was always three to five. And the goal of those were to do three things. One, find out if people were okay, because it was a scary time. Two, send some love. And kindness out in the world [00:13:00] and three, don't forget about me.

a day. Right. And. I've been [: 00:13:15

And sometimes I'll end up in a month doing the same person again and that's fine too. So it's just, it's a ritual and it gives me joy and some dopamine, which [00:13:30] helps me get through my day.

Aransas: I love that. One of our earliest guests was Gina Hamaday, author of I Want to Thank You. And she talks a lot actually about her spreadsheet of groups that she was going to write thank you notes to.

And I've [: 00:13:45

Susan: Yeah. Well, I'm a big believer in when you do meet people, make new connections that you don't wait to follow up and that you [00:14:15] cite something that you talked about, right?

o jog the person's mind. And [: 00:14:30

Aransas: It just won't get done. What is your process for remembering those things?

t it's just, it's funny that [: 00:14:45

And I of course miss things just like anybody else, but I just know like tonight I have to go to an event and I know like I will meet new people, [00:15:00] which is a wonderful thing and, you know, there'll be probably a couple of people I want to continue to get to know or need to follow up with. I will come home and write that down.

y who rehearses names before [: 00:15:15

Susan: always have to remind people, without having children, without having a partner, without having parents, I do have more time than the average person, and I don't take that lightly.

when they hear that I do the [: 00:15:45

Aransas: say though, my new, I'm going to send everything on Monday follow ups, [00:16:00] it doesn't take me 10 minutes.

more time than anything and [: 00:16:15

Or we expect ourselves to do it so well that we don't do it. But I'm okay with doing things not great, which helps. I

Music: love it.

, let's just do it. Exactly. [: 00:16:45

We brought it together. Where

Susan: did you do it?

Aransas: It was at Caveat [: 00:17:00

Susan: best.

See, I'm writing this down. Oh, yay.

It's beautiful. I get to be [: 00:17:30

My daughters come, my grandma, my mom, I mean, it's the best. So, when I talk to women though [00:17:45] about attending the event or even the day of, it was so remarkable how many of us were walking into, yes, a day that we had hopes and excitement about as well as a ton of fear. [00:18:00] It was scary to go be with other people, maybe even scarier in person.

derstand some of those fears [: 00:18:15

Susan: Well, this is where the gather phase can be helpful [00:18:30] because you, it's almost like a mantra of what your superpowers are.

important thing to do. Two, [: 00:18:45

Three, I always suggest find the super connectors in the room, find the people like you and me that would be [00:19:00] open to making introductions. And four, I often will certainly to people who are shy or introverted, think of the power of three, that you're going to, you're going to challenge yourself to just meet three people.

going to share three things [: 00:19:15

You then can relax and just listen. So those are some just [00:19:45] off the cuff tips.

Aransas: It's so good. And what kind of questions? I

Susan: mean, I don't want to walk in and be like, what are your goals for your future? I mean, you know, I would, people would walk away from me rather than engage with

Aransas: me. I wouldn't. I'd be like, oh yeah, let's

Susan: get to it.

Wow. All right. [: 00:20:00

You're not impending on people's privacy. And then as you talk, you can go into, you know, what are you hoping to happen in the next year? I mean, something as impervious as that, or if you want, you can just get down and dirty and talk about the food or the wine or [00:20:30] the sparkling water or whatever, you know, is right in there.

Or your

Aransas: outfit. Yeah.

o suggest we be, you know, I [: 00:20:45

Aransas: I mean, I think we all have those moments, right? And I think part of your process here is [00:21:00] to be honest about that, that we're just human beings.

things that happens in your [: 00:21:15

Aransas: I just thought of a theme, fewer Fs fifty.

ut then what do I get for my [: 00:21:30

Aransas: Yeah.

Susan: We gotta think of that

e in events, what is easiest [: 00:21:45

And so I think that's probably a type. My daughter is like that. She's like, I'll sell your raffle tickets and [00:22:00] I'll talk to anyone if I have. a clear mission. What are some of the other types of people you see when it comes to making these connections? Are there archetypes?

Susan: I mean, you have the [: 00:22:15

You have the people that would just walk in and feel completely comfortable moving around and saying hello. I think you have the shy and introverted people. I think you have the voyeurs, right? The people that just walk, right? And then [00:22:30] pounce. And I wish I could be more reserved like that. Those are the people I'm envious of, more than the shy or introverted people.

since childhood, is I'm very [: 00:22:45

And that is something I have had to traverse my entire life, and there's not much you can [00:23:00] do about it. And having, you know, knee issues and foot issues, I can't really wear high heels. Although I did see a funny Instagram video where an artist created these stilts that everybody wore, and everybody then became the same height.

said it to my sister, who's [: 00:23:15

Aransas: It is interesting, isn't it? And on Zoom, we are all one size. I think if you're saying no, people don't see you, it [00:23:30] also implies that you must take the lead.

Susan: Well, and I think, um, subliminally years ago to get people to talk to me, I started asking them questions about themselves.

t be looking over my head to [: 00:23:45

I love to find out what makes people tick. It's fascinating. And, you know, we are blessed living in metropolitan New York City where everyone has a story, multiple stories. Right?

Yes. I think that's a really [: 00:24:15

Yeah. And it actually is cheating yourself if you [00:24:30] stand back and afraid, but I think there were certainly in older generations, at least, and maybe this is because my grandmother was from the South, like her whole thing was people should come to you. You don't go to people.

still be waiting if that was [: 00:24:45

Yeah.

ur life. Mm hmm. Completely. [: 00:25:00

Three things that energize me.

Susan: My puppy, [: 00:25:15

I get really down about that. I have to fight to not let it and think of solutions. What's happening with our climate? Okay. That [00:25:45] tends to sap. And anytime something happens to animals, I never as a kid or even as a young adult could never go see like Benji or any film about animals because if something happened, so, you know, that gives you an idea.[00:26:00]

inspiring. Thank you. I'm so [: 00:26:15

If you're getting a [00:26:30] boost from these episodes, Please share them with the uplifters in your life and then join us in conversation over at the uplifters podcast. com head over to Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever [00:26:45] you get your podcast and like follow and rate our show, it'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one of these beautiful stories.

Mmm.

Music: Big love [: 00:27:00

Lift you,[00:27:45]

lift, you

lift.[: 00:28:00

Beautiful. I cried. It's that little thing you did with your voice. Right, in the pre chorus, right? I was [00:28:15] like Mommy, stop

Voiceover: crying. You're disturbing the peace.